I Am the Queen!

Despite what Mother has written about those two stupid, hairy beasts who live in my house, I am the Queen and I am in charge. My name is Boots and I am beautiful and perfect. I can prove it because I have a yin-yang symbol on one of my  toepads. I’m not going to display my toes on the internet, so you are just going to have to believe me.

I have been with Mother and Father the longest, so I am the boss of everyone here. For some reason, Mother and Father love those noisy, hairy dogs! But I am the one who gets to sit on Father’s lap all evening, every evening, not those beasts. I am the one who commands Mother to let me out the front door so I can do my beauty roll on the concrete sidewalk. I am the one who gets food whenever I want.

I have been the boss of them since I made them open the door of their first house and I demanded to be let in. I was tired of roughing it in the neighborhood so I took over their house. Mother was easy to convince….she has no spine. Father took a little bit more time, but all I really had to do was meow a little and rub up against him. Once he named me, a name I suggested, I knew he was mine.

I was totally against them bringing Charlie, the first hairy beast, into the house but for some reason they did not listen to me. That sneaky dog came up behind me one day and tried to sniff my butt! I proceeded to remove myself to the upstairs of the house, and I made them bring my food, water and sandbox up there and wait on me for three months. But I became bored, so I allowed them to bring me down the stairs again.

For some reason, one day they decided to throw me into a car full of their dog-hair-covered stuff, and when they finally let me out, we were in another house! I couldn’t believe they would do this to me, and to top it off, it was somewhere really cold! Then, if you can believe it, they brought another hairy beast into the house! Well, I retaliated….I walked around the in the smelly woods for two days and didn’t tell them where I was. Mother was so worried, I almost felt sorry for her. I made the rounds of the neighbors and ate all the food they left out for their inferior cats.

After a few months I decided not to hunt anymore, and to make them bring me all my food. There’s no reason for me to exert myself. I told them in no unequivocal terms that I would not be going outside when it got cold. I also demanded that they make me a warm bed near the woodstove. Too bad they don’t have my lovely fur. They seem to spend a lot of time standing in front of the stove trying to get warm. Honestly, humans baffle me.

The other thing I can’t stand is how much time they spend petting and hugging those smelly dogs! I mean really! Those dogs are so dumb they can’t even remember that they were just petted and the keep asking for more. It’s so undignified…you will never catch me doing that.

After a while they did something I still can’t believe. They brought another, highly inferior, cat into the house! I tried to convince him to leave during his first week, and I almost succeeded because he was just a punk kid. But he stuck around and got kind of big…I didn’t know that was going to happen. I had to watch my back for a couple of years, but I finally convinced Mother and Father to find him another home, and that I should be the only cat in the house. I had given up trying to convince them I should be the only pet in the house.

Then, wouldn’t you know it, not six months later they took in another inferior cat! At least this time is was a female, so much better than a male. She tried to win me over by rolling on the floor in front of me but I was having none of that. We skirmished for a few years until she decided she’d better back down and let me be Queen. Nowadays I just have to bop her a few times when Mother is putting out our food, just to remind her who is really in charge.

All in all, it’s been a good life here in Montana, even with the continual stream of hairy beasts coming into the house. My favorite time is when they all go on vacation and I have the whole house to myself. Mother always arranges for a surrogate slave to feed me. I could feed myself, but why bother? I’ve killed a few bats for Mother, so she thinks I’m all that. As she should.

~ Boots